The Ghost of Cancer Past

I'm struggling this morning about whether or not write what is going around in my head like crazy. I'm simply not sure if this is the place that I want to keep such thoughts. Do I want this to be a blog full of fluff...absolutely not (see The Story Behind Setting Up Stones). More than anything I want this blog to a something that brings glory to God! But there's a lot of fluff in life, so at times it will be a little fluffy and that's not a bad thing! But how heavy do I want it to be?

I'm not sure but I'm here and I'm writing. My logic being that in ten years I will want to remember that nights like last night existed, so that I will know how far God has carried me. I'm also hoping that anyone else who has gone through such a night will know they are not the only ones to have such a battle.

I'm sorry if the curiosity is getting to you. Let me back up a little.

If you have read "Our Adoption Story" than you are aware that I had cervical cancer. Well, here I am five years later and I'm cancer free!!! Praise God!!! There are times though that the Ghost of Cancer Past, still haunts me. Last night was one of those nights.

I've been experiencing a little pain in my back (kidney-ish) during the night for awhile now. Since the pain is only at night, I have been blaming our bed...we really need a new one...whole other story though. Then, about a week ago, I starting having a few other issues and Monday I decided I should go to the doctor. I have an appointment scheduled for this afternoon. Last night the pain got pretty bad, so I decided to take a couple Tylenol. It was when I got back to bed that the Ghost arrived.

I once heard a fellow cancer patient say that it's easy to have cancer during the day, it's at night that the real battle takes place. You're tired, you're hurting, and you're at your weakest. So when the sun goes down, our enemy sees this vulnerable opportunity and attacks. I HATE our enemy! He simply fights dirty and I hate him!

Back to last night...I'm trying to fall back to sleep and the Ghost of Cancer Past starts to whisper at me. "What if the pain is kidney cancer?" In my head I hear my husband (doing a very bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation from Kindergarten Cop) say "It's not a tumor." So I try to go back to sleep.

Then the Ghost whispers "You know how hard it is to cure kidney cancer. You've been ignoring that back pain for a long time now. Who knows how long it's been growing? If it's cancer, it's probably stage three or worse by now." Mind you that during the daylight hours, I know that the minor issues I've been dealing with are probably treatable with simple antibiotics but it's not day time. I'm half asleep and his whispers are getting louder. I told you he doesn't fight fair!

Now my mind begins to go crazy. His whispers are working and I'm too tired to draw my sword. My thoughts have gotten out of control...

"If I have cancer again, KayLi stays in an orphanage. If I have cancer again, our next adoption won't take place. By the time we deal with treatments, surgery, recovery, then wait the two years to apply to our agency again, then wait forever for a referral....ugghhh!!!! We'll be too old to adopt!!!! Poor Emily, not only would she not have the little sister she has dreamed about, she may possibly not have a mother. And what kind of a father would Allie be if he's grieving the loss of his wife. I should write them a letter. You know, those letters that people with terminal illnesses write so their families can read them when they are gone. What would I say in a letter like that?

"Dear Emily"...NO!!!! Wake up!!! It's just Him again.

"Back off in the name of Jesus!"

He flees and I'm able to sleep.

Praise you Jesus, that there is power in your name! Praise you Jesus, that you defeated our enemy and HE KNOWS IT! Praise you Jesus, that you never leave us alone in battle! Praise you Jesus, that you know the plans you have for us and they are plans of hope and a future! Oh how I praise you!

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is you faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23

Ryans 21st Birthday

I'm not sure when it happened...

I know I was there through it all...

but the years flew by so FAST....

and my baby boy grew into a man. I'm honored and thankful to call him my son.

Happy two days after your 21st birthday Ryan! I love you!

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shem. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us."
1 Samuel 7:12

A New Year Full of Promises!

2009 got off to an unusual and promising start! This morning...our home study social worker came to meet with us for our special needs update!

If you're wondering why a social worker would be working on New Years Day, it's simple. Texas is huge! When our social worker said she would be traveling in our area for the holidays, it made perfect sense that we schedule it for today.

I'm so thankful that we choose Methodist Mission Home for our home study agency! Not only do they do amazing work, they are truly great people to work with. I would highly recommend them to anyone looking for an adoption agency. If they had been doing international adoptions at the time our journey began, they would likely be our adoption agency...maybe next time?Not because we don't like AWAA, they are awesome too, it jst would have been nice to go have an agency closer to home...a place I could have visited and taken pictures of, ya know.

So, the first picture above is us with our sweet social worker, Barbara. Thank you so much Barbara for making our updates such a pleasant experience! The idea of letting a stranger into all the personal details of our lives was so scary at the beginning of the adoption process. You made it so much less stressful than it could have been and I appreciate you!!!

I can't believe I'm posting such an awful picture of myself but we only took one picture of us! Besides, Emily looks so cute and stylish in her new outfit, thanks to a Christmas gift card! I love how well she is accessorized! Very cool, Em!

WELCOME HOME TORYN!!!! Our friends the Kendricks arrived last night from China with their precious son Toryn! Isn't he adorable!! It was amazing to greet them at the airport. I can't describe all the emotions that overwhelmed me when they got there. I'm a little worried that I may just pass out when it's our Gotcha Day!

I couldn't help but post a couple pictures of their homecoming! If you have been following their blog Our Little Asian Sensation, you will quickly notice that Traci is holding a couple Diet Dr. Peppers!

Praise God, for what he is doing in and through this awesome family! I can't wait to ask Traci about a thousand questions...as soon as she gets some much deserved rest!

All these adoption activities sure make me wonder what God is up to for our 2009! God has promised us so many things. I pray this will be a year full of promises kept by The Promise Keeper!

May you be filled with God's love, grace and peace as you enter 2009. May His glory shine on and through you. And may 2009 be filled with blessings beyond measure!!!!

KayLi's 100 Good Wishes Quilt

Many of you already know that I am working on a very special quilt for KayLi. I have been procrastinating SO badly about sewing this precious quilt! I don't sew much and this quilt feels very intimidating! But I have a great friend who sews beautifully and she has agreed to hold my hand or push me forward, whatever it takes!!! Love Ya, T.J.!!!!

Just in case I haven't invited/pestered you into being part of this project and you don't know what I'm talking about, there is a tradition in Northern China to make a Bai Jia Bei or 100 Good Wishes Quilt. The custom is to invite friends and family to contribute a patch of cloth with a wish for the baby. The patch of cloth goes into the quilt for the baby, and the wish (or prayer or scripture in some cases) goes into a scrapbook. The quilt is said to contain the prayers and wishes from all the family and friends who contributed each piece of fabric. It is then passed down from generation to generation.

If you would like to contribute to KayLi's quilt, simply e-mail me (my address is on the sidebar) and I'll e-mail you our mailing address. Then just send me two 8 inch squares of whatever fabric you like (I've learned that cotton is easiest to sew) and your "wish" for KayLi.

How awesome it will be to read the"good wishes" to KayLi when she is older! Oh, how I long for her to know how much she was wanted!

So many of you have given fabric to be sewn into her quilt and I'm so thankful for you and your sweet wishes! A special thanks to Joyce Baggett for the embroidered square above...I love it!!!

I'll be posting about the progress we make as soon as we begin to sew it! Then once it's finished I'll put up pictures of it, so you can find your square!!! Thank you so much for welcoming our daughter in such a special way!!!

Toryn has a Family!!!

Our good friends the Kendricks are in China and welcomed their new son into their arms, family and hearts yesterday!!! Congratulations!!! He's beautiful! He's amazing! He blows kisses! And he said Mama...how awesome is that!!!

I've really come to love this family and I'm beyond thrilled for them! Merry Christmas and many blessings to the Kendrick family! I love y'all!!!

You can check out Traci's blog by clicking their beautiful picture above or it's listed with the blogs I follow in my sidebar, titled "Our Little Asian Sensation."

God & Chocolate

For the last three years I have been certain that we would celebrate the following Christmas with KayLi. Yes, you heard me right, three years! Four really, if you count the first year God was barely whispering adoption to us but technically whose counting that.

Three years of imagining baby dolls and toddler toys under the tree. Three years of longing to buy a pretty little Christmas dress. Three years of hoping to hang a new stocking by the fireplace. Three years of dreaming of the first time I would read her the story of a sweet baby that was lain in a manger. Three very long years!!!

Last Christmas it finally got to me. I forced a smile through our tradition of cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I laughed as we opened gifts and I received an enormous wall clock!!!! By the way, Ryan if you buy me a couch this year, I WILL return it...gift from my son or not! I was even fine through a nice ham dinner.

It wasn't until after dinner, when the kids all three of them (I'm counting Allie in there) began to get very wrapped up in the new Wii that total discouragement hit me.

I wanted my baby! My heart and arms literally hurt to hold her. My desire to cradle her, stroke her silky hair and breath in her sweet baby smell was so strong that I allowed it to steal my Christmas joy. I sat miserably at the computer trying to find anything that would be a distraction. All the things that I, as a Christian, know to do in battle never entered my mind. I simply laid down in a puddle of self pity and let my enemy win.

All of you that know us, know we lost Allie's dad to lung cancer on July 23rd. So to say I have spent a some time thinking about how to get through Christmas without Pop and KayLi would be pretty accurate. I guess I could curl up on the couch or in front of the television and be miserable. It's very understandable and likely part of the grieving process. Several in my family may do exactly that and I don't blame them one bit. But I can't. I simply can't do that again.

This year I have set my mind and I refuse to allow Satan to steal my Christmas joy!!! He may have won last years battle but this year he will not win!!!

This year I will focus on the birth of my Savior without sadness or pity! This year I will remind my enemy that it is because of Christ's birth, life, death and resurrection that I have the promise of being with my Pop again. That is is because of God's precious gift in a manger that I am empowered to bring an orphan from the other side of the world into my heart, life and family. That it is because of that sweet tiny baby that I am filled with a love for her that is beyond description. I WILL celebrate the birth of my King! And I WILL do so joyfully!!!

Pause...Breath...Selah.

So, if you're wondering about the picture of the red box, here goes. When I was battling cancer, it became a running joke at my house that there is nothing God and chocolate can't handle. So as I was telling my mother in law how I felt about celebrating Christmas this year, I said that I didn't care if I had to eat a pound of chocolate and stay on a perpetual sugar high, I would have a merry Christmas! Bad joke I know, I'm not really going to run to food when I should run to God!!! It's just a joke!!!

Yesterday we received a package from my mother in law. The red box was in it. She said I might not want to put it under the tree because it's a pound of gourmet chocolate!!! I love her!!!!

Simple Provisions...Big Blessings!

Thursday afternoon I meet with our family doctor to discuss our adoption and how the special needs process works. I've been a little worried about this because our pediatrician relocated a couple months ago and I haven't found a new one yet. So meeting a general physician for our future under two year old worried me some. It didn't take long for me to know I was exactly where I was suppose to be!

Two awesome things happened at the doctors appointment.
1. His receptionist has been considering adoption and wanted all the information I could give her. I was able to exchange e-mail addresses with her and give her links to our agencies! Praise God! I'm praying for you Rebekah!!!!
2. I discovered that our doctor has just moved here from the Dallas area and is very familiar with the doctors at the Scottish Rite Hospital for Children! He will be able to refer us to some of the best doctors out there! Is our God awesome or what!!!!

After the doctors visit I was rushing home to work on treats for teachers gifts. Usually I am ahead of the game but not this year. God's call to a special needs adoption and the fact our immigration paperwork will expire in a couple months have thrown my holiday schedule for a little loop. A very wonderful & peaceful loop though!!

So when my friends Priscilla & T.J. said they would come over Thursday evening while Allie & I went out for a couples date night, I was thrilled. They were so awesome! We came home to beautiful hand dipped pretzels that were drizzled and sprinkled to perfection! All T.J. and I had to do was package them up and make them festive.

Unfortunately Emily has a cold and missed her class Christmas party, which meant that I would have to deliver them with her home on the couch. I know she's eleven and I shouldn't fret over her but I hate leaving my kids when they are sick. So I was even more thankful when T.J. said she would deliver them for me. All this to say THANK YOU Priscilla & T.J.!!!!! You helped more than you know!! I love you guys!!!

Oh and the couples date night was awesome!!! Our church has the best pastor and youth minister ever...even if they are a little suspect!!! And have I mentioned that I kinda like their wives? Thanks for a great evening!!!!!

The Story Behind Setting Up Stones

Many times throughout the Old Testament God's people would set up stones as memorials to something special God had done. You know the type of things that are so amazing, they are worthy of being remembered. Things you hope are talked about for generations to come. Like Jacob, who after wrestling with God all night, set up the stone he had used as a pillow and declared that place to be a place where God lives. (Gen.28:22) And Samuel who, after God helped him defeat his enemy, set up a stone and named the place "Ebenezer" saying "Thus far the LORD helped us." (1 Sam.7:7-12)

My favorite example of this is found in Joshua 4. God had cut off the flow of the Jordan river allowing the Israelites to cross over into the promised land on dry ground. When the Israelites were safely across God gave the command for twelve stones, one for each tribe of Israel, to be taken from the middle of the Jordan river and set up as a memorial. Then God said "In the future when your children ask you "What do these stones means?" tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." Joshua 4:6&7

I love that! I love that God in his sovereignty knows we need reminders. Big, huge stone like post-a-notes that remind us that God did something amazing. He knows we need to be reminded of his faithfulness, provision, protection, guidance and love in order to trust him more deeply. That's what I pray my life and this simple blog are, reminders. A place where, mixed in with all the silliness and craziness of everyday life, you will see reminders (stones set up) that our God has done amazing things. And I pray that by being reminded, your faith and mine will be strengthened. May God will be glorified. Amen

Our Adoption Story

It's a long story but when you finish reading it, you'll know why. When God is up to something amazing you simply can't leave anything out!


In Feb. 2003 my husband and I received the news that I was pregnant and that our family of four would soon be a family of five. In the early years of our marriage we had always talked of having three children. But when it took seven years to conceive our second child Emily, we felt that she was a miracle and would likely be our last. We assumed a third child was not in God's plan for us. But secretly I still dreamed of a third child, the way we had hoped for in the beginning. Now with Emily starting kindergarten the following year, I was preparing to leave the world of preschool and go back into the world of grownups. You can imagine how surprised we were to learn that I was expecting another baby. My attempts to give up the dream of three children had, in a peculiar way, left me a little disappointed to learn I was pregnant.


Unfortunately, my doctor was very concerned from the beginning. My hormone levels were not where they should be and the pregnancy soon ended in a miscarriage. I was left with a gut wrenching longing for the baby that I was not even initially excited about. It was heartbreaking to say the least. I still yearn to hold the baby that I had begun to want so badly. I had hoped she would be a girl we could name Abby. I know I will hold her someday but until then, she is in the most blessed arms of all.


Two weeks later life got darker than I ever knew possible. My doctor’s office called and said there was an abnormality with one of the tests they had done while I was miscarrying. One week later, I discovered what it feels like to have the world fall out from under you. My doctor told me I had cancer. As he described surgery and possible radiation treatments, every desire I had for another child was completely and instantly removed. I prayed “Lord, please let me raise the children you have given to me.”


To describe all that God taught me as we faced cancer together would require a story all its own. So let me simply say that He is now my comforter, my strength, and my Jehovah Rapha like never before. While I trust and pray that I never have to face cancer again, I can honestly say that I am thankful for my diagnosis. It drew me closer to God than anything I could have ever imagined. It is something I am strangely but deeply grateful for.


As I began to heal and life settled into a new kind of normal, I began to wonder what God’s plans for our family were. Emily was now in school and Ryan, our oldest, was very active in high school. Between the two of them and various church activities I kept extremely busy. Still there was an emptiness that I attributed to being a stay at home mom with no one to mother during the day. So I waited for guidance.


I remember very clearly thinking “Wow, God must have an exciting new direction for my life that doesn't involve children.” Did He want me to go back to school and finally have a grown up job? Or did He have a ministry that He wanted me to begin? Only He knew, so I began to pray for His direction. I had no idea that He would answer those prayers with one of the strongest desires of my heart. The only “occupation” I have ever wished to have is that of being a mom and God was about to give me a new job title – “Adoptive Mom.”


When He began to call us to adoption I'm sorry to say, I questioned Him. “Us Lord? We are not those super sweet couples you see raising fifteen foster children. And you know exactly what our savings account looks like. Don’t only wealthy people adopt children?” His answer was simple “IF NOT YOU THEN WHO?”


In a huge act of faith and obedience we dove into the world of adoption. Very quickly we learned that there is a lot to learn! Terms like "foster adopt", "trans-racial adoption"," private domestic adoption" and "international adoption" all became part of our everyday speech. We prayed all new prayers for direction. We asked that God would patiently lead us to the child He had already chosen for our family. After weeks of searching and praying there was such peace when we asked “China Lord?” and He answered “OH YES!”


We went through all the paperwork and home study “interrogations”, as my husband calls them. Then we were the ones being asked to be patient as we began to wait. And wait and wait and wait. Technically we were waiting for the Chinese government to match us with our daughter. Ultimately we knew that we were (and are) waiting on the Lord.


God has taught us so much through "The waiting phase" of our adoption. More than anything though, He has taught us to trust Him. Now He is teaching us to trust Him even more by asking us to begin the process of a special needs adoption. There's that amazing peace again! It truly does "pass all understanding!" Only one thing can explain why there would be such peace in the midst of it this entire process and it's God. I can't tell you how much I love Him!


There is a Chinese proverb about a red thread that is popular in the adoption world. It says “An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break.” I don’t believe in fables or folklore but there is a red thread I believe in. It’s the blood of Christ. It’s woven through every book of the Bible both the old and new testaments. It’s woven through the books of history and law, through the Psalms and the Proverbs, the Major and Minor Prophets. It’s woven through the gospels and Acts, through the epistles and the glorious revelations. I am so humbled to say that God will give me the opportunity again to teach a precious little girl about His son, The Red Thread. The thought that I will tell her of the amazing love Christ has for her is beyond overwhelming. But I’m reminded of what God asked us when we first searched His heart, “If not you, then who?”


By traveling through the darkness of cancer and then navigating the confusing terrain of adoption God has taught me that there is so much to praise Him for. Praise Him that no matter how dark your world is, you can trust that His plans are “not to harm you but to give you a hope and a future.” (Jer.29”11) Praise Him that He knows the name of every child around the world that will never have parents to call Mom and Dad and a place to call home. Praise Him that He empowers people through his Spirit to love these beautiful children who may otherwise never hear of the saving love of Christ. Praise Him for the redeeming power that enables me to long for another child when I thought I would have no more. And praise Him that in his infinite wisdom there are many others that He may someday ask “If not you, then who?”