Tuesday, December 23, 2008

God & Chocolate

For the last three years I have been certain that we would celebrate the following Christmas with KayLi. Yes, you heard me right, three years! Four really, if you count the first year God was barely whispering adoption to us but technically whose counting that.

Three years of imagining baby dolls and toddler toys under the tree. Three years of longing to buy a pretty little Christmas dress. Three years of hoping to hang a new stocking by the fireplace. Three years of dreaming of the first time I would read her the story of a sweet baby that was lain in a manger. Three very long years!!!

Last Christmas it finally got to me. I forced a smile through our tradition of cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I laughed as we opened gifts and I received an enormous wall clock!!!! By the way, Ryan if you buy me a couch this year, I WILL return it...gift from my son or not! I was even fine through a nice ham dinner.

It wasn't until after dinner, when the kids all three of them (I'm counting Allie in there) began to get very wrapped up in the new Wii that total discouragement hit me.

I wanted my baby! My heart and arms literally hurt to hold her. My desire to cradle her, stroke her silky hair and breath in her sweet baby smell was so strong that I allowed it to steal my Christmas joy. I sat miserably at the computer trying to find anything that would be a distraction. All the things that I, as a Christian, know to do in battle never entered my mind. I simply laid down in a puddle of self pity and let my enemy win.

All of you that know us, know we lost Allie's dad to lung cancer on July 23rd. So to say I have spent a some time thinking about how to get through Christmas without Pop and KayLi would be pretty accurate. I guess I could curl up on the couch or in front of the television and be miserable. It's very understandable and likely part of the grieving process. Several in my family may do exactly that and I don't blame them one bit. But I can't. I simply can't do that again.

This year I have set my mind and I refuse to allow Satan to steal my Christmas joy!!! He may have won last years battle but this year he will not win!!!

This year I will focus on the birth of my Savior without sadness or pity! This year I will remind my enemy that it is because of Christ's birth, life, death and resurrection that I have the promise of being with my Pop again. That is is because of God's precious gift in a manger that I am empowered to bring an orphan from the other side of the world into my heart, life and family. That it is because of that sweet tiny baby that I am filled with a love for her that is beyond description. I WILL celebrate the birth of my King! And I WILL do so joyfully!!!


So, if you're wondering about the picture of the red box, here goes. When I was battling cancer, it became a running joke at my house that there is nothing God and chocolate can't handle. So as I was telling my mother in law how I felt about celebrating Christmas this year, I said that I didn't care if I had to eat a pound of chocolate and stay on a perpetual sugar high, I would have a merry Christmas! Bad joke I know, I'm not really going to run to food when I should run to God!!! It's just a joke!!!

Yesterday we received a package from my mother in law. The red box was in it. She said I might not want to put it under the tree because it's a pound of gourmet chocolate!!! I love her!!!!

1 comment:

priscilla said...

that Chocolate was GOOOOOOOOOOD