The Ghost of Cancer Past

I'm struggling this morning about whether or not write what is going around in my head like crazy. I'm simply not sure if this is the place that I want to keep such thoughts. Do I want this to be a blog full of fluff...absolutely not (see The Story Behind Setting Up Stones). More than anything I want this blog to a something that brings glory to God! But there's a lot of fluff in life, so at times it will be a little fluffy and that's not a bad thing! But how heavy do I want it to be?

I'm not sure but I'm here and I'm writing. My logic being that in ten years I will want to remember that nights like last night existed, so that I will know how far God has carried me. I'm also hoping that anyone else who has gone through such a night will know they are not the only ones to have such a battle.

I'm sorry if the curiosity is getting to you. Let me back up a little.

If you have read "Our Adoption Story" than you are aware that I had cervical cancer. Well, here I am five years later and I'm cancer free!!! Praise God!!! There are times though that the Ghost of Cancer Past, still haunts me. Last night was one of those nights.

I've been experiencing a little pain in my back (kidney-ish) during the night for awhile now. Since the pain is only at night, I have been blaming our bed...we really need a new one...whole other story though. Then, about a week ago, I starting having a few other issues and Monday I decided I should go to the doctor. I have an appointment scheduled for this afternoon. Last night the pain got pretty bad, so I decided to take a couple Tylenol. It was when I got back to bed that the Ghost arrived.

I once heard a fellow cancer patient say that it's easy to have cancer during the day, it's at night that the real battle takes place. You're tired, you're hurting, and you're at your weakest. So when the sun goes down, our enemy sees this vulnerable opportunity and attacks. I HATE our enemy! He simply fights dirty and I hate him!

Back to last night...I'm trying to fall back to sleep and the Ghost of Cancer Past starts to whisper at me. "What if the pain is kidney cancer?" In my head I hear my husband (doing a very bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation from Kindergarten Cop) say "It's not a tumor." So I try to go back to sleep.

Then the Ghost whispers "You know how hard it is to cure kidney cancer. You've been ignoring that back pain for a long time now. Who knows how long it's been growing? If it's cancer, it's probably stage three or worse by now." Mind you that during the daylight hours, I know that the minor issues I've been dealing with are probably treatable with simple antibiotics but it's not day time. I'm half asleep and his whispers are getting louder. I told you he doesn't fight fair!

Now my mind begins to go crazy. His whispers are working and I'm too tired to draw my sword. My thoughts have gotten out of control...

"If I have cancer again, KayLi stays in an orphanage. If I have cancer again, our next adoption won't take place. By the time we deal with treatments, surgery, recovery, then wait the two years to apply to our agency again, then wait forever for a referral....ugghhh!!!! We'll be too old to adopt!!!! Poor Emily, not only would she not have the little sister she has dreamed about, she may possibly not have a mother. And what kind of a father would Allie be if he's grieving the loss of his wife. I should write them a letter. You know, those letters that people with terminal illnesses write so their families can read them when they are gone. What would I say in a letter like that?

"Dear Emily"...NO!!!! Wake up!!! It's just Him again.

"Back off in the name of Jesus!"

He flees and I'm able to sleep.

Praise you Jesus, that there is power in your name! Praise you Jesus, that you defeated our enemy and HE KNOWS IT! Praise you Jesus, that you never leave us alone in battle! Praise you Jesus, that you know the plans you have for us and they are plans of hope and a future! Oh how I praise you!

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is you faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23